My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
