For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
