the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
