Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
