guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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