Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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