He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
