there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
