remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Found the puke drawer
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
