K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
