So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
