How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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