my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I want to be your penis for a week.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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