Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
