Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
