Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
