I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
