girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
