New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
