I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
