I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
