uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
