It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
