do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
