i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
