Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
