The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
