I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
don't judge my taste in strippers
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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