Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
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i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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