also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
They took my balls.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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