Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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