Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
