it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
