I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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