I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
