He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You pole danced in your parka.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
