to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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