i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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