When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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