listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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