I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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