i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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