It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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