new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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