Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I enjoy the company of your penis
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