Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
