The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
