I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
