I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
