can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
