her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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