I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
