Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
