Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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