TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
