you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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